Useless...

That's how I feel right now. It's a little past five in the morning and I should be asleep, getting ready for studying tomorrow. I have a final exam on Tuesday, the course I failed last semester. I feel like I understand more of it this time, but I'm not really motivated...

Earlier this evening we were out with some friends (my boyfriend's friends anyway, I don't have any friends of my own here), and I, "the linguist", got asked some questions I couldn't really answer. I felt like crap. All those people are either finished with their Master's degree or working on their phd, but that doesn't make everything better. One guy argumented quite strongly about something and I couldn't say anything against it, even though I disagreed. I'm just not good enough at what I'm supposed to be doing. A while later my boyfriend and I went home and continued the discussion. A big part of my problem is talking in front of lots of people, that is, more than two persons I don't know really well.

Anyway, after a while we sort of agreed to disagree. I'm not a religious person like he is, I do not believe in much, including myself and my opinions. So I was sort of back where I started, I feel like I don't know what I'm talking about.. I mean, is this how my life is going to be? My career as a linguist? Writing up thoughts and theories that someone smarter tears down as soon as it's published.. I don't know if I can do that. I have no idea what to do with my education, I just like learning languages and figuring out how they work. I'm pretty good at it, too, I just can't find any use for it.. I refuse to become a teacher on high school or something, that would be the death of me. I had a job once and I've never been more depressed in my life, despite the money I was making. Money sure isn't everything in this world...

I'm not even sure if this post will be here in a few days, I just needed to vent a little frustration. Hate to read this depressing stuff about myself. Sorry about that...